Have you ever tried to control your breathing? And not in the relaxing, meditative kind of way. More so in the "I need to control this" kind of way.
I've been well-aware of my perfectionist-style habits for a long time, but I hadn't really tied them to a fear of a lack of control until recently. I definitely fall victim to the overthinker's curse, under which I obsess over details and stress about everything that could possibly go wrong with a situation. But that stress is what motivates me. If I don't feel a sense of pressure or urgency or a fear of messing up, I might as well not have responsibilities.
That need for control both helps and hinders me. A couple weekends ago, Loreleis celebrated our 35th anniversary of being a group on campus. As the president, much of the responsibilities of the weekend fell on my shoulders, and it was AWESOME. I've worked in event planning/management and with my design experience, I was able to work with our concert manager to craft a vision of a weekend. From the invitations to the merchandise to the decorations and alumni packages, each part of the anniversary weekend worked together with cohesive branding and signage.
But I wasn't really able to enjoy a second of it until it was over. Until the the what ifs stopped buzzing around my head. Until I felt the relief of everything going according to plan. Until I could breathe again. I was worrying so much that I hardly let myself enjoy the beauty of the reunion that was happening all around me. I knew I had a strong team of people who were willing to do whatever I needed, but I didn't feel the need to delegate much of the work because I trusted myself to do things the way I wanted them to be done. Again, a fear of a lack of control. And a fear of a lack of efficiency.
So I'm learning. I'm learning to let go of the reigns from time to time. To step back and enjoy what I create. To plan ahead enough to be able to relax when I need to. I'm learning how to delegate things and to trust in others as much as I trust in myself. I'm learning to breathe.